Lost Time

Sometimes Ivor gets totally beside himself, UPSET.  It seems since we have moved to the new house, it is more often than it was before.  It is so sad to see how easily insecurities arise and the solid ground is shaken beneath his feet.  It's hard for him to cope once he has become upset about something and it can be very difficult for him to "move on."

Perhaps one of the strangest things Ivor deals with is the inability to decipher real from make believe.  Children have a hard time with this anyway, but Ivor has an especially difficult time.  For instance, a bug on a page of a book is just as real to Ivor as if the bug were before him, alive.  This includes cartoon images.  Ivor can't bring himself to like anything that is even the least bit threatening.  He recently was working on "G's" with his speech therapist and on the page was a cartoon image of a ghost.  Ivor convinced his therapist to cut the image out, before he could move forward.

In my recent research I stumbled across this "issue".  It was noted, children who do not recieve the care they need in the first 3 months of life, risk the portion of their brain not developing right that helps a child from telling real from not real.  When I read these things it brings forth such heartbreaking evidence.  Ivors start was not fair.   I hate the thought of my son, my child, laying unattended in an orphanage.  I want so badly to reclaim that time and hold, coddle and comfort my baby.  If he had been within my reach he would have been held more than not.  It is so frustrating to look at your child, who is with you every day, and think of them not behind held, to think of their cries going unanswered.  Ugh.  These are things we, as adoptive parents are not prepared for.  We mourn the loss of the time we did not have them.  We get angry at their past, not just for them but for us too.  We hate that we missed a chapter (or more) of our child's life.  

I long to fix it, relive it, change it...but we can't go back.

My mind goes to all the children that lay there now, being neglected or abused NOW.  I go crazy wanting to save them, hold them and prevent any damage or unneccesary tears.  I scream inside wishing my internal fit would produce some miracle.  It doesn't.  All I can do is keep trying.  Keep advocating.  Keep praying.  Keep remembering the forgotten, and rest knowing one day God will make us whole again and the tears will be wiped away.

One More Surgery Down!

We are home and on the road to recovery. With each hurdle, I am so in awe of the resilience of these boys.  Trigg did good. It was hard keeping a 3 year year old occupied for a couple days in a hospital bed, but now it's just water under the bridge.  

One of the hard parts for me is leaving all those sick little ones behind, and moving on.  I hate thinking of them struggling.  I walk by the rooms and can't help but think, "You should be in school," or "You should be crawling around on a floor playing with blocks."  Instead they are laying in beds or wheeling around in a wagon.  Trigg was about to go crazy after 2 days and some of these kids have been there a month or more. 

We have to move forward, we have to focus on our children and where they are in their lives.  But we also have to remember these kids in our prayers.  No child should have to go through surgeries, hospital stays and debilitating illnesses.  No child.  

We will all be whole again, for that I am grateful.

Trigg's Cord Release

It was discovered in an MRI that Trigg has a tethered cord in his spine.  We also learned he has an extra vertebrae.  Today he is having the cord released in a surgical procedure here at Children's Hospital.  Bless his heart as he undergoes surgery #5.  They raised the concern yesterday, Ivor will need to be checked for this as well.  I pray, oh I pray, that he does not have a tethered cord.

Surgeries are not fun.  It is so hard to bring them in feeling perfectly normal and healthy, knowing that is all about to change.  In a child who has suffered trauma and loss it is even more difficult.  It is more challenging to gain their trust, and once you do, it is scary to risk losing it, again.  

With all that said, I am glad we caught it. I am glad Trigg is in a country where we can fix it, and improve his quality of life.  I am grateful God chose us to come along side him in healing and helping this sweet boy.

Finding Nemo

Ivor snuggling Nemo during nap

Ivor's life started in a Ch*nese Welfare Institution.  When he was 9 weeks old, he was "rescued" by Love Without Boundaries, and whisked away to be reunited with his identical twin. He spent the next 16 months there, where the care was far better, and he was nursed back to life.  Love Without Boundaries was a safe place for our sons.

Fast forward to November, 2013…

We were in the Disney Store in the mall when Ivor found a stuffed "Nemo" fish.  He really wanted it, like desperately.  I said no, and the fits started.  He was beside himself, upset.  I was wishing I had just got it for him, but once I said no, I needed to stick to my guns.

As the holiday season continued, Ivor would get asked what he wanted for Christmas. His reply was "Nemo" every time. The strange thing to me was, he had never seen the movie, and Ivor is not a fan of reptiles, spiders or fish. AT ALL.

Hanging in the Nemo Room

Christmas morning, Ivor opened his long awaited Nemo.  He was one happy guy!  His smile said it all, and he packed that thing around all day.  Needless to say, He LOVES his Nemo.


Earlier this week, I was looking back through the boys' progress reports from Love Without Boundaries, when it suddenly hit me.  Ivor was in the NEMO room.  Nemo was swimming daily on the four walls that surrounded my son.  This was no coincidence, Nemo and Ivor go way back.  I am so  glad my super sensitive, highly alert, sweet boy has once again, found Nemo.

Changes on the Horizon

Changes are on the horizon!  We have been living in Durango for nearly three years.  Durango is a good place.  However, it has just never fit me, or I have never fit it.  I don't know which one, but simply put, it has never felt like home.  Fortunately, home for me, is only 17 miles down the road.  We have been searching and searching for a home there, that could get our children back in to their small town schools and get us back near our home church.  We like the community feel there and can't wait to get back.  God threw us for a loop when the home we found, in what seemed like perfect timing, got swept out from under us.  We had verbally committed to it, thought it was perfect and a day later the owner called us to inform us he had decided to sell it someone else.  We.were.crushed.  But I knew, and I said it then, God must have something better for us.  And that HE did!  Wow!!!  I have had to pinch myself.  We are a little ways from closing, so I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch.  However, I am screaming inside with excitement.  And now I trust, if for some unforeseen reason, this does not go through, God has something else in mind.  Hawaii?  Africa?  Bali?  Perhaps not yet….

The kids are doing great.  Tyler is rocking his first year in college.  It has been an adjustment, but we have done well.  He was home for a month over Christmas and we were all thrilled to have him back.  It has been so much fun watching God work in his life.  He is teaching him things, showing him things and guiding him, and I can see it so much clearer from a distance.

Zoe is doing great.  She is cruising right along and having a good year.  She is officially a "tween," and let's just say, teen years better not get any more crazy.  Poor girls and their emotions!  I have been there, I still remember it, and I can't help but feel for her.  I am so excited to get more involved in the school next year with some great "confidence building for girls ideas" up my sleeve.

Rance is the perfect little student.  He loves school, thrives in the environment and still melts my heart as one of the world's sweetest sons.  The other day, I was diving down the driveway to pick him up from the bus stop.  I noticed him swoop down and pick something up when he saw me.  I approached, he hopped in my car and I asked him how his day was.  He replied, "Good!  I got something for you," as he handed me a sparkly rock.  (The rock he just picked up.)  Hysterical yes, but gestures like this speak of his heart.  He is a lover.  He loves to please and he thrives on giving of himself.  How blessed am I?

Trigg and Ivor continue to make huge strides.  They are doing speech therapy and coming along well.  They are growing like weeds and continue to evolve before our eyes.  Ivor struggles a little bit with insecurities.  He is afraid of the most unexpected things.  For instance, he does not like the moon, or even the book "Goodnight Moon."  He will not look at books are pictures of bugs.  He won't be in a room alone.  Neglect and abandonment leave deep scars, but nothing to deep for God to heal.  We can't believe how far they boys have come and are so blessed to have them here where we can watch them continue to heal.  We know because of the Bible that we live with the expectation of total healing.  What a relief.

Trigg has a surgery in three weeks to release a tethered cord in his spine.  We are praying for no setbacks in his emotional health, as well as a safe and successful surgery.  Please join us.

Many Blessings.

Trigg is so sweet!

Ivor smiles most of the time.

Tyler volunteered in Rance's classroom while he was here.

Zoe with the root beer floats on her birthday

35

November is a happenin' month!  Phew!  I turned 35, we spent 8 days at Children's Hospital running tests, Tyler turned 19, it's National Adoption Month, Thanksgiving of course, (and we are hosting it), husband has been working out of town; and we just learned we have a surgery to schedule.  You may ask why I choose now to catch up the blog…well because it's time.  It's time to stop and reflect.

I read a great book this month, written by excellent fellow blogger, Jen Hatmaker.  Seven. Read it, it will change your life.  Seven has reminded me to stop and reflect.  It has reminded me we all have the same amount of time in the day, what we do with it is up to us.  I won't go into the details of Seven, I hope to leave you curious enough to grab a copy and read it yourself.

Turning 35 was freaking me out just a bit, I will admit.  God place Seven in my hands at just the right time. Jen Hatmaker opens with "I am only 35…" Only.  Nice.  It's easy to "age" myself when I have a 19 year old.  The truth is, age is just a number.  Each day is a gift and we can open it, appreciate it and use it for His glory or we can stress that yesterday is gone.

We learned in Trigg's gamut of tests, he has a tethered cord in his spine.  We thought surgeries were behind him but we were reminded that it is not a predictable thing, ever.  I have learned with my little guys born with birth defects, one birth defect can often mean several.  This is more reason to be grateful God brought them to a place where they can get the services they need.  We are hopeful we an put this surgery off till January.

For the first time-EVER Tyler turned one year older without getting a big squeeze from his mama.  I can assure you this bothered his mama more than it bothered him.  He has a sweet new friend, who was careful to make it special.  I appreciate her for that.  

Crossroads

As Rance learns his letters in Kindergarten, and Zoe learns how to navigate 5th grade and all the social weirdness, Tyler learns what it's like to be on his own.  I am sure there are days Tyler wishes he could go back to Kindergarten where memorizing what "J" says is his biggest problem.  Trigg and Ivor are usually just along for the ride, although becoming potty trained was a big highlight last month.  Things are going good with all 5 kiddos, and as they should.

However, Mom and Dad are at a crossroads.  Where do we want to live?  What school do we want our kids to attend?  What are our priorities?  Unfortunately, the husband and I don't have the same ideas.  I am of the mindset: Who would want to live in the same area their whole lives?  There is a whole world to experience!  Just because we are born here, does not mean we have to stay!  In my head, there are no limits, no boundaries!  I would LOVE to be a full time missionary!

Husband's mindset:  This is where we are "from."  We have roots here.  Our family business is here.  We can travel to all those other places.  I want to live right here, the rest of my life!

God's got this.