The count down is on. My first born child will graduate in less than two weeks, and it is filling me with grief. This is supposed to be a happy thing. I am happy for him. I am so proud of him. I am excited for him beyond belief. I am so sad for me. I am bathing in self pity, and trying to hide it. I am losing one of my best friends. The best big brother, EVER is leaving the nest. I realize he is still my son, and the big brother, but after he leaves, it will never be the same. Our routines as a family will be forever changed. All my children will not be under the same roof anymore. I am not going to lie...I kind wish we could just all pick up and follow him!
By now you are thinking I am one of those over protective, over bearing, overly involved mothers. Maybe I am...but let me explain.
I had Tyler shortly after my 16th birthday. When I first held him, it was a feeling I will never forget. I had been so alone in the world. And then there was this child, this perfect, adorable, sweet child, and he was mine. He wasn't going to judge me, he wasn't going to talk behind my back. He needed me, and I needed him.
People warned me. "Oh just wait! Wait till he is two and he is in to everything." Or, "wait till he talks back." Or my favorite, "wait till he is an awful teenager, drinking and partying and you are out all night looking for him." Well, these things never did happen.
At two, I could take him to a 2 hour high school play and he would sit and watch quietly. He never did get "into everything." I can honestly say, he is not one to talk back, never has been. Most importantly, he has never been to a party, never wanted to. He hasn't had a desire to drink or experiment much. He has been hard working, honest, and simply pleasant to raise. There is not a fiber in my being that wants this journey to be over. He has been a part of me for as long as I can remember, and that part of me is relocating. Ugh.
I want to rewind, start all over. Turn back time. Reverse. Relive. Redo. But that is not possible. We can't go back, we can only go forward. We have made incredible memories. We have a bond that can never be broken. These are things I need to hold close, keep tucked away, be thankful for. He has been the best son a parent could ask for and he will continue to be, it will just be different. Our roles may change a bit but our love for one another will not. I need to remember this as he receives his diploma and I can hardly see through the tears. I need to remember this when we drive off and leave him in a new city, in a new chapter.
This is the way God intends. He does not entrust us with His children to keep forever, tight by our side, protected under our wing. No. He wants us to prepare them for the world. He wants us to teach them truth, make them honest, guide them. We have done that. Now we need to trust Him and let go...
No one ever said it would be easy.